Today was the day that I almost ripped my hair out and peed my pants. Sometime early this morning, when I was drifting in and out of sleep, Helen started running her fingers through my hair. We were on the floor watching that old horror flick about evil leprechauns and her fingers felt really good. How was I to know that she would eventually braid our hair together? I woke up needing to pee, but as soon as I attempted to sit up, it was like...

"YEOOWWW!"

Pain and noise like you would not believe. We were bawling so loud, it rousted Janine and Annie from their slumber. They came to our rescue, but it was taking them forever to unbraid us and I really needed to pee. So I calmed Helen down and made her come to the bathroom with me. She sat on my lap while I peed. That was a first.

After I was through, Janine came in and unbraided the rest of it. There wasn't much damage, just some redness and a little swelling that we iced away. It's still a little sore, but when I run my fingernails around the edges, it actually feels good. Helen went home, but she felt really bad. She apologized at least a dozen times.

Talk show guests for tomorrow, Monday June 28th
Conan O'Brien: Johnny Knoxville, Elisha Cuthbert, the Distillers (R)
Craig Kilborn: Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Mark McGrath, the Alarm
Daily Show: Terry McAuliffe
David Letterman: Piedmont Bird Callers, Kirsten Dunst, Chris Robinson
Ellen DeGeneres: Mandy Moore, Michael Imperioli (R)
Jay Leno: Tom Hanks, Jackie Chan, 311 (R)
Jimmy Kimmel: Clay Aiken, Dylan Walsh
Last Call: Joe Rogan, Kathy Griffin, Ben Kweller (R)
Regis and Kelly: Carmen Electra, Howie Mandel, Topher Grace
Sharon Osbourne: Hilarie Burton, Paul Johansson, Frank Nicotero, Cypress Hill (R)
The View: Gloria Estefan, David Vardy