I was stuck behind an asphalt trailer today and it was crusted all over with shiny black stuff. It reminded me of the tar that they used to pave our blacktop in elementary school. I got into trouble because of that stuff.

I was in the first grade and our school had just finished paving the blacktop. The workers taped off the area, so we wouldn't go near it, but the older kids sneaked past the tape during recess. They collected huge chunks of the excess tar that was strewn along the edges of the pavement and they brought it back to the playground. We watched them throw the huge chunks against the concrete, so they would break into smaller pieces. The smaller pieces were really shiny and beautiful.

Some of my classmates started grabbing pieces of the tar, so I did the same. I wanted a piece for Heidi and a piece for myself. Heidi was stuck inside, returning books to the library because she spoke out of turn in class. I wish she had been there to talk me out of taking the tar. The older kids got pissed because the first graders were stealing it. Out of all the kids who ran off with pieces of their tar, they grabbed onto me because I was smaller than the rest of the kids.

They wanted their tar back, but I lied to them and told them I didn't have any. That was a big mistake because they went through my pockets and found the tar. They asked why I stole it and I told them that it looked pretty. They said it wasn't for looking, it was for chewing. Then they each popped a piece of tar into their mouths and chewed on it like chewing gum. When they were through chewing, they spit it out and dared me to chew on a piece. They squeezed my jaws open and pushed a piece through. I thought it would taste horrible, but it didn't really taste much like anything. I started to chew on it and they cheered me on. That's when the recess lady came and busted us.

We were each sent to the nurse's office to be examined. The nurse couldn't understand why we would do something so incredibly stupid. Then as if I wasn't feeling bad enough, she told us she was going to call our parents. My whole life flashed before my eyes. How was I going to explain this to mom and dad? I cried and cried and it seemed to take forever for my parents to arrive. All of the other kid's parents had come and gone and I thought maybe I had been spared. Maybe they couldn't find mom and dad's phone numbers or maybe they forgot to call them. I figured I would stay there and sneak out at the end of the school day and then just walk home like it was an ordinary day.

That would have been cool if it worked out that way, but it didn't. An hour before the end of the school day, Mom walked through the door and looked at me. There was disappointment in her eyes and that made me feel like shit, so I started bawling again. She gave me a quick hug and told me to stop crying. Then she went to talk to the nurse. When we got home, I was sent to my room until dad showed up. As punishment, they spanked me and made me eat a handful of tar-shaped black licorice.

Here are the answers to last week's slogan trivia:

1. Arby's - What Are You Eating Today
2. Burger King - Have It Your Way
3. Carl's Jr. - Don't Bother Me, I'm Eating
4. Dairy Queen - Something Different
5. In - N - Out - Quality You Can Taste
6. Jack in the Box - We Don't Make it, Til You Order It
7. Mc Donalds - I'm Lovin' It
8. Subway - Eat Fresh
9. Taco Bell - Think Outside the Bun
10. Wendy's - It's Better Here

Last week's slogan trivia was easy, but Andrea made this week's even easier. Match the brand of frozen pizza to the slogan:

1. Di Giorno
2. Freschetta
3. Red Baron
4. Tombstone
5. Tonys

a. What Do You Want On Your ________
b. From Morning to Night. For Every Appetite
c. The Fresh Taste Sensation
d. What You Really Want
e. It's Not Delivery... It's _______

Talk show guests for tomorrow, Wednesday June 30th
Conan O'Brien: Uma Thurman, Jon Favreau, Sugarcult (R)
Craig Kilborn: Adam Hunter
Daily Show: Helen Mirren
David Letterman: Ethan Hawke, Jon Heder
Ellen DeGeneres: Heath Ledger, Camryn Manheim, N.E.R.D. (R)
Jay Leno: Kate Hudson, Fantasia Barrino, Dido (R)
Jimmy Kimmel: Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Patton Oswalt, Lloyd Banks
Last Call: Kid Rock, Mis-Teeq (R)
Regis and Kelly: Ashton Kutcher, Jon Cryer
Sharon Osbourne: Amanda Bynes, Jennie Garth, Henry Simmons, Gary Busey(R)
The View: Jeff Gordon, Joe Nichols