I heard it. It was barely uttered, but I heard it. The words "hippo ass" rang in my ears. I straightened up and clenched my butt muscles. It couldn't be true. Surely, they weren't commenting about my trim posterior, were they? I worked hard to make my ass what it is and I wasn't about to let it be slandered without a fight.

I turned around to give them a piece of my mind, but quickly realized that they weren't talking about me. They were talking about Jen. She was walking down the other corridor and they were spoofing her gait. She must have been within earshot, because she stopped and looked back at them, before she turned the corner. Unfortunately, I was standing behind the idiots, so she thought that I was in on it.

I walked the two Barbie wannabes out the door and then rushed up to Jen's cube. She sat there and gave me a really cold stare, but before she could say anything, I hugged her and explained the situation. The two Barbie wannabes who badmouthed her butt, were here for the programming job that Jules vacated. I told Jen that I would be recommending Ron for the job instead of those two buttmunches.

I value Jen as a friend. Up until two months ago, she was just a faceless entity with whom we interfaced. I had heard rumours about her, but I hadn't actually met her. Then she moved to our building and I ran into her on the stairs one day. She was at the top landing, hunched over the rail, wheezing really hard to catch her breath. I thought she was having a heart attack because she was drenched in perspiration. I blew off my meeting and helped her to the ladies room where she relaxed and then burst into tears.

Contrary to popular assumptions, Jen is not an evil gluttonous bitch. She's this incredibly nice person who just happens to have an eating disorder. It's an eating disorder that's fueled by low self esteem. When she hears things like "hippo ass" it depresses her to the point where she just wants to escape and the thing that she escapes to is food. That's where she finds the fastest form of comfort.

That day in the ladies room, she confessed all of this to me and I could see the skinny person inside her wanting to get out. I knew exactly what she meant. I was fat in high school and I went through most of the same stuff that she's going through. Well, since our little encounter on the stairs, Jen has lost nine pounds, but today she told me, when she hears shit like "hippo ass" it makes those nine pounds seem meaningless.

I tell ya, those Barbie bitches are lucky that I counted to ten and didn’t lose control, because this week has been fucked up for me and I would done something I would have regretted.

Boy, this is a really depressing entry. Here's a rather grim story from Linda to lighten it up:

This woman, Betty, was standing by the side of the road when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about fifty feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash and behind them were 200 women walking single file.

Betty couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "Ma'am, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this before. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
Betty asked, "What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog bit him and he died."
Betty inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned and bit her and she died."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
Then Betty asked, "Ma'am, could I borrow that dog?"
The woman replied, "Get in line."

Talk show guests for tomorrow, Thursday August 5th
Conan O'Brien: Brittany Murphy, Louis CK
Craig Kilborn: X Games demo, Jeff Bridges, Steven Van Zandt, Avril Lavigne
Daily Show: Natalie Portman
David Letterman: Jada Pinkett-Smith, Gerard Mulligan, Jessica Simpson
Ellen DeGeneres: Glenn Close, Andy Richter, Angie Stone (R)
Jay Leno: Kim Basinger, Mark Ruffalo, Jackie Cullum
Jimmy Kimmel: Christine Taylor, Don Novello, Kanye West (R)
Last Call: Zach Braff, Seymour Glass
Regis and Kelly: Tom Cruise, Holly Hunter
Sharon Osbourne: Stephen Dorff, Ming-Na, Hanson (R)
The View: Gen. Tommy Franks, Peter Krause