WANTED: The damn bird that has a hard-on for our bedroom window screen!!!

We patched the old window screen with duct tape, but the little fucker kept pecking at it until the amount of duct tape negated the purpose of the screen. So the screen was changed and sprayed with Bird Proof spray, but apparently the bird didn't mind the spray. The new screen has a hole in it the size of a grapefruit. Arrrgh!

We thought about spraying the screen with insecticides, but we know that the bird is probably using the screen for it’s nest and we don't want to harm it or any of it’s babies. We just want the little peckerhead to go elsewhere.

On an unrelated note, Linda sent us the following items:

Things you'd love to say to your boss:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I'm really easy to get along with once you see it my way.
3. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
4. How about never? Is never good enough for you?
5. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
6. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
7. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
8. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
10. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife blushed and apologized to her husband, but three days later, she whacked him again.

MAN: "What the hell was that for?"
WIFE: "Your horse phoned."

Talk show guests for tomorrow, Thursday August 26th
Conan O'Brien: Pre-empted for Olympic Games
Craig Kilborn: Jon Voight, John Cleese, Morrissey
David Letterman: Natalie Coughlin, Carla Gugino
Ellen DeGeneres: Meg Ryan, Jason Lewis, Indigo Girls (R)
Jay Leno: Pre-empted for Olympic Games
Jimmy Kimmel: Josh Hartnett, the Cure
Last Call: Pre-empted for Olympic Games
Regis and Kelly: Will Ferrell, Jadakiss, Hilary Duff, Steve Irwin
Sharon Osbourne: Marlon Wayans, Bianca Kajlich, Emmanuelle Vaugier, "High School Reunion" classmates (R)
The View: Kevin Kline, Ashley Judd, Alanis Morissette (R)